Hi AnnaLynne! As a woman who seems to know almost everything about love and romance, what advice do you have for guys to truly win over a lady?
Tell me some starting steps for being romantic and how to impress?
Thank you for your questions, John and Sunny. I have answered them in one long response. I hope this provides some insight. Happy hunting!
I have an interesting stance on the world of romance. On the one hand, I’ve been with a man who sent me dozens upon dozens of roses, created naughty scavenger hunts, and treated me to the most lavish Valentine’s Day evenings of my life. Then on the complete opposite spectrum, I was with a man who believed Valentine’s Day was a “load of crap,” flowers gifts given by pansies (he used a different word), and I don’t think I even have to go into what his feelings on a romantic scavenger hunt would have been.
Of course, there is certainly a middle ground between these two extremes. But I feel speaking on behalf of most women, we prefer an intellectual seduction to marketed romance any day of the week. Roses and rings and diamond things make women feel special because the world ‘buys in’ to the beliefs that such things CAN make someone feel special. Of course, if we’re ‘buying in,’ then someone must be selling something, right? “Every kiss begins with…” (The letter ‘K’)? So obviously any jeweler with a name sounding like ‘K’ must mean you’re getting a big sloppy one for that. And women play along! It’s all roles. I swear, non-actors are the best actors in the world. They play the roles society dishes them just right.
And speaking of role playing, let’s get back to that intellectual seduction I was talking about. All women know who those men are. We talk about them, but most of them are our exes (who we dream of running back to) because most of them learned this ‘art of seduction’ from some negative source. I’m happy to answer your question, John, because we need more GOOD men who understand seduction and how beautiful it can be in a connection.
A woman knows seduction comes from a man’s insecurities and when it falls off after the honeymoon stage. He just wanted to get her and later informs her with actions and sometimes outright says that things are ‘different’ now (one man I was with, when I asked why things changed, told me, “It’s because I love you now, Anna”). My take on ‘love’ (not the romanticized idea of love, but actual love) is that it’s this deeply ravaging, undyingly passionate (because you keep creating the passion), comfortably challenging, ever-supportive, and fully accepting friendship that joins two people in a connection that offers a free environment for differences while maintaining open communication regarding said differences. It must be complete integration: fully linked, yet never enmeshed.
I digress, slightly but there is a reason: this is where the ‘intellectual seduction’ comes in. So what is this ambiguous seduction I keep speaking of? First, a few things about women and then I promise I will tell you.
- Women’s desire is born out of anticipation—the longer she KNOWS IT’S COMING but has to wait, the crazier (in a good way) she becomes. I’m talking in general, but this works on…every level. 🙂
- Women tend to be like a bud, it may take them a minute, but if the connection is there, they tend to open widely into a beautiful flower.
- Contrary to popular ideals, following the (certainly needed) feminist movements, women still want a man to ‘be a man.’ There’s a trend now in which guys seem to be prettier than women and little pre-teens are to blame (kidding, I love you guys, but you will grow taste when you’re older). Though this is #trending, I can speak for a lot of women when I say that we want our men in jeans and a T-shirt over scarves and fedoras (unless you live in Toronto or somewhere cold) any day.
- Lastly, most women I know—deep down—want to be the apple of their man’s eye. They always want to turn your head, even 10 years on. Secretly, they want you to know that every time they dress up, it’s really for you. They want you to want them, and the more you do, the more you will coax that beautiful bud that is a woman in all her femininity to continue to open up for you.
Know the power of whispering in her ear something that’s only for her to know. Tell her “God, you’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my life,” then go to the bathroom, get a drink (for yourself), and let it resonate with her (the bud is deciding if it should open just yet). You’ll know if you’ve intrigued her when you return.
Perhaps, then offer her a drink. Slow everything that you want down to a crawl—remember the anticipation is what gets us. We expect you to go right in for the kill so the ones we still dream of running back to are the ones who made us want them (a lot of times, sadly, due to their hang ups with women and not because they just want their woman to be happy). But, be the GOOD MAN that you are and steal some of their techniques whilst putting the right intention behind them.
Casual talk will lead somewhere naturally. Don’t try to force things in a certain direction. Remember, we’re shy and nervous, too. Everyone believes in this nasty word ‘rejection’ when in my opinion it doesn’t exist. Rejection is merely a difference in opinion. My opinion: you should like me. Your opinion: you don’t. Let’s agree to disagree and move on. Wouldn’t the world of romance be a lot less harrowing a place if we didn’t take things so personally? It’s hard, I know, but remember some things are good when they’re hard (yes, I just went there).
I once had a man tell me that he saw me and waited in the lobby on a pretend phone call just to share an elevator ride with me. I was in a rocky something with someone else at the time, but I took his number and told him that if things stayed on course, I may be calling him sooner rather than later. I never stopped thinking of him, and sure enough, three months later, at close of my former relationship, I reached out to him. It wasn’t that he was ‘my type’—or that I would have necessarily picked him out of a crowd—but his honesty spoke volumes to me. It told me I could be myself with this man even in a quick conversation while he held up an elevator full of people to catch my name. Openness breeds openness.
Going with the flow is something I feel men excel at. I feel men are these incredibly capable creatures when it comes to letting go, blowing off steam, and ‘dropping it.’ Women? Ehhhh, not so much. A lot of us need work on that area. We carry a lot for a lot of people and the ‘putting it down’ part can be difficult. Men can teach us this by the beautiful example they provide. But, forgive us for this little flaw—most of us don’t really care for the trait either. Your ability as a man to ‘go with the flow’ will speak volumes of you and add exponentially to your success with us. You may catch a woman who would be your woman on the absolute wrong day. You may not even know that, later, when we’re rehashing (oh yeah, we do that a lot), we may think about you and wish we weren’t so short. Again ‘rejection’ is merely a difference of opinion and sometimes it may just stem from bad timing. So go with the flow and stay open.
Now, once you have us in your deliciously strong grasp, it’s time to make us putty in your hands: intellectual seduction time. Women and girls have been told their entire lives that “men just want to get in bed with you.” We’re told that we have to wait. We’re shamed into the belief that we’re sluts if we don’t. We’re marked a ‘whore’ if we ‘want it too.’ Let’s get past all of that to science… WE WANT IT TOO, we may choose to wait (and that’s beautiful because choice is beautiful), but trust me, we want it. Knowing this is your power. The more you show desire, but hold yourself back the more you confuse and intrigue us in the best ways possible. SHOWING the desire is essential, it validates what we are secretly looking for, but then SHOWING RESTRAINT, stops us in our tracks. We weren’t looking for that. “Hmm…interesting…”
So connect the dots:
- Make your intentions known. And walk away (that’s important—remember the bud).
- Return with casual conversation enriched with honesty and no forced direction or aim (talk about something you know and love. Your passion for it may be intriguing and you may have that in common—if not the topic, then perhaps the passion).
- Revealing something about yourself like ‘Elevator Man’ revealed to me could have profound affects. It makes you human and we women tend to have BIG hearts for nurturing.
- Go. With. The. Flow. This quality will get you far and we will appreciate your nonchalance to our craziness (and so will you. Trust me.)
- Whisper sweet (and not-so-sweet) nothings in her ear. And once your in, take her out all night just so you can keep making her wait, whispering, “I’m going to (fill in the blank), the second we get home.” And, not just for the first six months, gentleman. Seal our fate to you by intellectually seducing us every day for the rest of our lives.
Photo courtesy of Edd Lucas http://www.eddlukas.com