The Naked Truth with AnnaLynne: BDSM

From John

Hey AnnaLynne, do you think BDSM is an anathema to your views on having sex? It skews the lines between consent and abuse, it’s also not healthy for anyone to be violent! I was raised to never hit a lady even if they literally ask for it so I can’t honestly see myself engaging in any form of BDSM. I would so much appreciate your wisdom on this topic.

P.S. Could you blow me a kiss? I love you so much!! <3

AnnaLynne says…

Hello John,

BDSM is a very personal sexual choice. In a world where judgment prevails and grace tends to be an afterthought, society is quick to deem personal choices right and wrong even when no true harm is done.

I agree with your upbringing that violence is not healthy, but one man’s violence may be one woman’s pleasure so it’s important to understand the psychology behind the perspective. I do not see BDSM as a form of violence when the setting is safe and the understanding between two consenting adults is clear. I of course respect that you see it another way and that is what makes up the beautiful different colors of our world. We paint our art that is life in different shades and hues. It is these unique qualities that I seek to encourage. Human diversity is crucial to the continuation of innovation and so long as we remember that what we’re made of makes us one, we will not only continue moving towards innovation but higher consciousness as well.

I digress. Let me tell you why BDSM works for me and though you may not adopt it into your life practices, perhaps I’ll help you understand a little more of the psychology which can form desire for it.

First of all, it is important to understand that certain individuals have greater sexual appetites than others. As a child I began having fantasies I could never have understood when I was as young as eight years old. My sexuality was already budding, and I endured discipline that should only ever be expressed between consenting adults. Spanking is sexual, y’all. There is no way around it. People often find my opinion on this to be controversial. I often find those people to be archaic and uneducated. The American Psychology Association in direct support of the United Nations Committee for Rights of the Child deem spanking as “legalized violence towards children.” Due to the discipline I experienced and the innate overt sexuality I was born with, an early bond between love and physical pain was formed.

In fairness, my experience was extreme and I sought out actual abuse; I tried to get my power back after I was sexually assaulted by numbing myself further, and then I began my journey towards healing. I am proud to say I no longer participate in anything which I would deem remotely close to self-allowed abuse. Now I only participate in BDSM in the way the bondage, domination/discipline, sadism, masochism community would have it: safely.

Now for the “why.” As my brain was forming and as it continued to re-form itself through the traumas I suffered, survival instinct kicked in. I needed to keep living, keep moving forward. I could not do that if  I was subject to daily immense mental suffering for what I had endured physically. So that brilliant organ that is the brain decided I would find the beauty in the twisted, dark, and strange. My brain saved my life and made what had once harmed me that which would now be my healing.

See John, BDSM allowed me to let myself off the hook. It allowed me to set myself free. In some of the biggest steps towards my personal freedoms, I was finally able to release my shame and guilt for my desires and fully embrace that sex is actually my little happy place where all past and future disappear into this crazy, wild, fun, sweet, twisted, dark, beautiful moment I’m sharing with the man I’m choosing to be intimate with. It’s the part of my day where I feel completely, 100% free. And the shot of dopamine to my brain doesn’t hurt either.

Hope this helps BDSM make a little more sense for you. I do acknowledge and respect that it’s certainly not for everyone.

From Michael

Hey AnnaLynne!

I have two questions. When and how should you bring up fantasies and fetishes to your partner? Also, if your partner wants to try something that you feel uncomfortable with, how do you say “no” without making them feel judged?

Thanks,

Michael

PS – This week’s topic reminds me of Clark After Dark haha 😉

AnnaLynne says…

Hi Michael,

Clark After Dark remix over here… 🙂

Thank you for your questions. As far as the “when,” I’m all for the organic and natural versus the planned and uncomfortable. I love when things unveil in the flow of natural conversation. I’m someone who tends to have a bit of a dirty mind so scooping my thoughts out of the gutter can be difficult for me. When I’m getting to know someone, I am very honest about what I want and whether the progression of the fantasy topics are feeling natural or forced. Some partners are not this way and I have found it helpful to check in by asking a simple question like, “Does this topic make you uncomfortable?” Sometimes by simply showing this kind of empathy you can remove discomfort and open the other person up to you even more.

Answer to Question No. 1: Listen to your instinct and check in with your partner to determine when is the right time to discuss your respective fantasies.

If your partner suggests something that you are not comfortable with it is important that you convey this to them out of respect for both of you. I have found that well-intentioned honesty rooted in love and empathy goes very far. I recommend listening thoroughly to everything your partner is requesting and then respond with something like, “Wow, what a beautiful imagination you have. I’m excited to learn about you more and I really truly want to please you. There may be a thing or two there that I’m not sure are for me, but I want to make you happy and maybe as we learn each other I’ll grow and expand my comfort zone. Does that sound good to you?” This will validate your partner’s desires without causing to fall subject to them and it gives you room to maybe discover something new.

Answer to Question No. 2: Validate your partner’s desires while validating your boundaries to set a foundation of open honesty and profound respect for a healthier, happier connection.

From Claire

Hi AnnaLynne,

My question has to do with BDSM on screen: do you think because of films like 50 Shades of Grey and this Outlander episode, it is becoming acceptable and do you think this is a good thing?

Thank you,

Claire

AnnaLynne says…

Hi Claire,

Thanks for a great question. It takes large platforms, often film/TV and media to help cultural shifts occur because revolutions start with a new idea. 50 Shades of Grey was positively responded to by masses of women for a reason. In Calcida Jetha and Christopher Ryan’s anthropological book “Sex at Dawn,” a conversation is created regarding women’s sexuality, libidos, and the suppressing of their innate desires for the progression of an early male-dominated agricultural movement. According to the authors, as civilization dissolved, the typically more violent of the most violent species in the hunter/gatherer communities began to push women down to a position barely above animals and right alongside property and material possessions.

Women’s sexual desires did not, however, just disappear. In fact, they seemed to have festered into this internalized world of fantasy and fetish, and a desire for our freedom has turned into an instinctual defense mechanism. Simply stated, “take me” doesn’t feel a safe statement to make for many women to utter to a man they’re desiring. So the “take me” is silenced yet not forgotten and like an itch, the need to scratch can become greater and greater and greater when not sated.

I believe it is important to remember that movies and television are movies and television. The stories, unless otherwise stated, are not real. So, if 50 Shades of Grey gives a woman in Missouri (or me or anyone) a voice for her sexual desires, then I say, “Thank you 50 Shades of Grey for helping support future orgasms!” Orgasms release “happy” chemicals in our brains, and again, all consenting adults ought to have the freedom to define their sex lives in any manner they like as long as their safety and understanding are laid out as a foundation.

From Vanessa

Dear Annalynne,

I often I flick between having fantasies of being tied up and dominated and then wanting to be on top and dominate my partner sexually. I was wondering if this happens to you and if you think this is healthy?

AnnaLynne says…

Hi Vanessa,

My fantasies swing dramatically from being tied up and dominated to restraining and submitting my partner by way of a leather riding crop. What I discovered about myself is that I enjoy sadism whether I’m subjected to it or inflicting it.

The fact that you are aware and asking says you have freed yourself up a bit more than most. Now, do yourself a favor and free Vanessa completely. What you desire is fucking beautiful and unique to you. It is a part of who you are and the freer you allow yourself to be with your desires (so long as they’re not harmful), the more pleasure you will have not only in your love life but in your life life as well.

Many orgasms and pleasurable orgasm to you!

From Emily

Hello AnnaLynne,

Provide the setting is safe, do you think women in general have fantasies that involve them being tied-up, dominated, spanked, etc? Would you even say those fantasies are innate? I know I have them and have lots of girlfriends who feel the same.

Thank you,

Emily

AnnaLynne says…

Hi Emily,

Yes, m’am! I believe desires are rooted in an innate sexual sensibility that we don’t choose. I suffer from hypo-mania, a side effect of mania is hyper-sexuality. The chemicals in my brain make me require sex or masturbation more than the average Jane. I get off a couple times a day.

The desire to be dominated, tied-up, and spanked come from all different places. I know that even if I hadn’t been abused, I would still want these things because I have currently removed all physiological responses to my story through cognitive rewiring and re-narrating and yet I still have these yearnings.

It is my belief that as women, deep down we are seeking out the caretaker in our men. Sexually, our bodies are asking, “Can you protect me? Can you really handle me? Will you possess me? Am I your prize?” Even in sex women are testing men. It may just be in our nature. I don’t know a woman who doesn’t want to be grabbed and held and touched and felt by their man in a way that says, “Everything in me wants to possess everything you are, you beautiful goddess of a woman!” Do we want to be “possessed”? Fuck no! (Well, maybe Angel, my sis does, but…haha!). We don’t want fantasy to be real, that’s why it’s called F-A-N-T-A-S-Y!!! But having these desires, and more importantly, owning these desires, is very healthy. In that moment where you stand up, look society in the eye, and tell it to go fuck itself,  you begin the path towards accepting your innate qualities and recovering the healthiest you. If I left my sex life up to society, I’d be bored to tears. I am thankful to be free, so free that I fight against sexualized violence and sex trafficking because I know if those acts are not by choice on account of all parties involved then It. Is. Wrong.

Photos courtesy of Edd Lucas http://www.eddlukas.com

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1 Comment

  • Madelynn says:

    Hey Annalynne,
    I was just going to tell you that I love you and you are a true inspiration to me for all that you do. I wanted to ask if you are going to be or wanting to be in sometype of new film or TV series, if you are I would love to watch it!
    Thanks for everything,
    Madelynn♥️

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